Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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