You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
