He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
