I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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