don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
