So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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