I need to stop coming to work sober
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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