Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
