apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
