Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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