Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
then he tried to convert me to islam
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
