my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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