His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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