yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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