I wish I only lived at night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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