Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
