i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
