I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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