My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
