did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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