i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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