Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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