The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
