I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
