but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
