There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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