so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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