Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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