your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize