I didn't shave. On purpose
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
