He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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