Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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