and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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