just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize