I need to stop coming to work sober
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
