I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
