So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
