I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize