when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
