you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
