I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
