I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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