If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
