Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
