watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
