don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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