Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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