last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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