You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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