i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
