i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
