I want to have your abortion
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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