So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
