Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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