The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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