What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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