At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
