i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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