I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
