I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
