I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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