New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
