maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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