Moan for me like Helen Keller
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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