Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
