She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
