going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize